Sentence: John and Tim went paddling in their kayaks around the headland.
Following Nochoska the bear’s swirling white body as he swam through the clear waters, Niquishun and Ned in their kayaks found themselves paddling along the coast past Cliffords Cape. The sky above was a piercing blue and in the distance the snow-covered mountains appeared like a frozen tsunami At their foot, the weathered glaciers lay pale green, the whole scene brilliant reflected in the still waters.
As they rounded the edge of the Cape, Niquishun, who was some distance ahead, suddenly gave out a violent cry. Ned frantically accelerated and, as he glided alongside his friend and gazed across Howlett’s Bay, his jaw dropped and he gasped. Stationed two miles away, the largest rig he had ever seen in his life. “Gawd,” he cried and looked across at his companion in utter astonishment.
Nochoska hadn’t stopped but continued to swim towards the monstrosity. Overcoming their shock, the two men followed almost in a state of awe. As their kayaks drew closer, just 30 metres or so away, they felt so small and insignificant. For as Ned and Niquishun stared upwards, the rig towered l5 storeys or so above them, like some kind of mechanical mega-dinosaur. It was bristling with cranes, derricks, cabins, offices and gangways, chains and helipads, all topped off with radar. Ned’s heart sank. How could they possibly defeat such a monster?
You always have the capacity to draw me into your world. I will never again be able to think of a polar bear without thinking of you. You paint pictures with words and I really hope to have your book on my bookshelf soon! Sandra,
ReplyDeleteYes, the sense of space, of cold and of severe beauty is always very well brought out in your writing Peter. Did you join John and Tim in paddling their kayaks?
ReplyDeleteIf I were you I would try and cut down on your imagery and make each image as telling as you can. 'Like some kind of mechanical mega-dinosaur' is a bit diffuse and non-specific - like what kind of mechanical mega-dinosaur? And do mechanical mega-dinosaurs exist, outside the movies? When inventing a simile it's good to refer to something in the real world that readers will have experienced - so if I say that her hair was like the fine golden threads inside a piece of split pine, then it's more specific and familiar, and thus more powerful.
All in all though you have transformed this piece of experience effectively, and your sense of subject and theme is, as always, strongly present in your work, which gives it power.