Real life: I was upset when Elvis Presley died (and we had a ginger cat called Paddington!).
Novel: August 1977
When Cassie arrived home she heard ‘Separate Ways’ blaring out on the record player. She wandered into the kitchen, expecting to see Helen making some sort of effort to prepare a meal, but instead the kitchen was empty except for Paddington, who was sitting on the working top licking the milk left in one of the morning cereal bowls. Picking him up and stoking his silky ginger fur, Cassie strolled into the lounge. Helen was sprawled on the settee, surrounded by piles of screwed up pink toilet paper. Her eyes were red and she was sobbing uncontrollably. Cassie dropped Paddington, who mewed and rushed back into the kitchen with his tail up and fur ruffled.
‘Mum, whatever is it?’ asked Cassie, kneeling by the settee and picking up one of Helen’s lifeless hands. Cassie hadn’t seen her like this for years, not even when Granddad had died. Helen looked up, as if from a trance.
‘Elvis is dead,’ she sobbed.
‘Oh Mum, is that all?’ Cassie put her arms round Helen and hugged her. Helen shook her head but Cassie, who had spotted an unfamiliar bottle of pills on the coffee table, didn’t notice. ‘I’ll make us a cup of tea,’ she said as she stood up and, shaking, she picked the bottle up and went out.
Julie your narrative powers are growing by the week. I loved the build-up and I knew exactly where I was in the flat. Clever the way you put in that hook about the bottle of pills at the end to keep us curious. PETER
ReplyDeleteYes, that's right, the pills certainly raised the stakes. Is this a really significant moment- a catalyst (no pun intended)? So when you say 'Helen shook her head but Cassie, who had spotted an unfamiliar bottle of pills on the coffee table, didn’t notice.' that means that she didnt notice her shaking her head - so something else is wrong, right?I find this sentence a little confusing as it packs in two very important pieces of information and rather merges them together. Maybe something like 'Helen shook her head but Cassie didn’t notice. She had spotted an unfamiliar bottle of pills on the coffee table.' This makes slightly more explicit her reason for not noticing.
ReplyDeleteI liked this scene a lot and it seems to have a lot of potential for your plot.
Thanks Gary. I agree your alteration makes it clearer.
ReplyDelete