Sue: Inflict pressure..

Charlotte was still reeling from the success of her debut solo act. Last night, the audience had collectively held their breath, gasped, laughed and applauded in all the right places. It was one of the best moments of her life. To cap it off, after the show, she and Martin had been invited back to Sam and Chloe’s trailer for a drink. This simple invite was their long awaited symbol of full acceptance into the heart of the circus community.

She peeped out from the sidelines to observe and gauge the mood of tonight’s audience.  This was rapidly followed by double, treble, then multiple re-takes, as she tried in vain to find ways in which to deny, erase, or change what she saw. They should have been three hundred miles away, but sitting just three rows from the front, were her parents, brother and two nieces. Her separate worlds had just collided.

Her first feelings were of shame and fear; she absolutely did not want her family to know that she had joined the circus. The reflection of herself performing, recast through her family’s eyes, instantly made her feel out of place and ridiculous.  They must not see her in a sequinned leotard and heavy stage make up. They must not know that she had lied to them and was here, not in London at a General Dental Council conference. There was no way she could go out there and perform this evening. Almost simultaneously, she realised the potential enormity of what would happen if she did not perform. She would lose the respect and acceptance of her circus family. She may never again be trusted to deliver a solo act, nor experience the joy of and instant feedback of audience applause.

To cope with the whirling maelstrom of her thoughts and feelings, Charlotte instinctively defaulted to her comfort habit of making lists. If she could assess the pros and cons of her options, she would be able to find a logical way to decide what to do.

Fifteen minutes later and with only ten more to go before she was due to step into the ring, Charlotte’s lists had grown unwieldy but gave her no clear answers. She realised that her attempts to bridge both worlds had resulted in conflicting tensions and an overall feeling of displacement and transience within each world. 

The only things she knew for sure were that Martin would back her, whatever the decision...and that she was not ready to make a decision.

What mattered most? The judgements of her parents, family, peers and inbred sense of what was appropriate, or her new “family”, the joy of performing and audience feedback, and an opportunity to break free from societal norms?  What did she actually want?

She wanted approval, respect, acceptance and a sense of belonging to both of her very different worlds. She wanted status, financial security and to feel successful. She wanted freedom and the constant flexibility to make her own choices, with no adverse consequences.

Whatever she did next, there would be adverse consequences.

Out of nowhere, an expression much used by the performers, which had shocked her when she first heard it, came into her mind. “Tits and teeth”. It was a showbiz version of the less vulgar, “hold your head high and stick your chest out”.

Her cue was coming up; she took a deep breath, put her shoulders back and walked out.

Charlotte continued walking until she reached the car.

At the time, she could not make sense of what she did, nor why she walked away from the circus.

In retrospect, she realised that she was unable, perhaps eventually unwilling, to break free from her roots and inherited, innate sense of her expected place in the world. In her heart of hearts, she had known that her circus “family” was temporary, as it would constantly form and re-form from a fluctuating group of itinerants.

She and Martin realised that their attempts to bridge both worlds had led them to feel like impostors in each of them.

Charlotte still wanted her life to be different, but in the future, more definite choices would need to be made.