As we waded through the stinking sewers of Dubrovnik, I thought with disgust. “What a place to end your birthday. Bitterly regretted my folly, my vanity for allowing that stupid bitch Natasha to coax me into a glimpse of the stolen sparkler. ‘Only a peep,’ she purred, sipping at her her sixth glass of pink champagne, as we celebrated in the Stradum Café. Heady with slivovitz, like a fool I gave in. Next moment she snatched at it and sped away. Silly bitch, slipped on the wet curb. The diamond jumped from her hand, bounced onto the road and slipped down the manhole. I was in dead trouble. In fact if I didn’t find it tonight, I would soon be dead.
Now here I was, splashing about in sewage up to my knees with man who was as old as the hills, Yussef Mahmoud. His white fez covering a bald head, he was agitatedly rubbing his grey moustache as he led me through endless tunnels. His ancient lantern swinging in his bony left hand casting a sour glow on the streaming wet walls. A sheep drover in Australia in his youth, he had sworn to me in a Montenegrin/Australian accent, he knew the sewers “like the baack of mi haand”. It had cost me a fortune to hire him.
I had to look up the meaning of couloir which is a steep narrow gully,perfect representation.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting that he was carrying an ancient lantern as prior to that sentence I immediately thought 'cold war period' for some reason, but of course he would have been carrying a torch. The lantern fits the character of Yussef perfectly, but in a time of pink champagne, would a torch be more prescient?
I like this. It's well-written and woven round a opening which we thought sounded implausible but which has provided a clever story.
ReplyDeleteIf I didnt know who this was by, and hadn't already heard about Peter's exploits in Dubrovnik, I would guess this was Peter, which must be a good thing. Some clever writing - 'I was in dead trouble. In fact if I didn’t find it tonight, I would soon be dead.' but care must be taken - there are a lots of awkward sentence constructions. See if you can improve 'His ancient lantern swinging in his bony left hand casting a sour glow on the streaming wet walls.' and 'I stared down at the thick brown, soupy water, winced then plunged my hand in forcing myself to feel methodically along the slimy bottom.'
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