Fred lay on the ground like a stick man. His limbs stuck out at odd angles as he jerked uncontrollably. May had seen him like this many times but each time it twisted her stomach and pulled at her heart till she herself had to run to the bathroom and bend over the toilet retching over the bowl.
Fred never remembered his fits but was always exhausted and disorientated in the aftermath. Sometimes he did not have a fit for weeks but on bad days he had several. They seemed to follow each other like a thunderstorm going round and round in a cycle.
Today had been a bad day. May sighed and wiped her mouth before going back to him. He was quieter now. She took a flannel and mopped his face. His blue eyes flashed like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Fred tried hard to remember the face that swam in and out of focus in front of him. He had seen her before.
Out of the grey light he pulled her up out of the soft sand. 'It's time to go' he said reluctantly. She had shaken the sand from her crumpled dress and wrapped her arms around his neck. 'Do we have too?' She asked although she knew the answer. Hand in hand they walked by the sea's edge. The waves had thrown up a creamy foam that reminded Fred of the head of a pint of Guniness.
A fisherman setting up for the day smiled to himself at the young couple who looked so delighted with the world. The man was dressed in a soldiers uniform, the tunic was undone and the belt was swinging. The
girl was laughing up at him, her face flushed and warm. "Wonder what they have been up too" the fisherman smiled to himself and waved to them. They were so engrossed in each other they did not even notice him.
A seagull called out its own greeting. A stray dog stopped its morning scratch to wander over wagging its tail. Fred bent to greet the dog who rewarded him with a wet lick. Fred wiped the wetness from his face with the back of his hand.
Someone was talking to him. The words were all jumbled. He was angry. He wanted to be back on that beach with that pretty girl. Not here on this hard floor with this old woman fussing over him.
Sandra, this is lovely. You really have 'got it'. I felt both Fred's frustration and also the sadness of May, having been his lover and his carer. Something that will resonate with many people now.
ReplyDeleteI loved the way you brought us back as we were not 'jerked' back to the present, but came back slowly, with Fred.
Beautiful.
Yes, we went in and came out with Fred. Good approach - though you'd have to decide whose POV to continue with from here.
ReplyDeleteOne thing - 'Out of the grey light he pulled her up out of the soft sand. 'It's time to go' he said reluctantly. She had shaken the sand from her crumpled dress and wrapped her arms around his neck.'
This would be better: 'Out of the grey light he had pulled her up out of the soft sand. 'It's time to go' he said reluctantly. She shook the sand from her crumpled dress and wrapped her arms around his neck.'
You can see the first use of 'had' immediately transports us to the past.
Keep it up Sandra. There's a lot of good work here.