Thursday, 23 June 2011

flashback -hilary

Flashback – Hilary
Josh has just survived an horrific attack as he walked with Carrie to find the Rive Gauche hotel. Carrie has fled the scene.

Josh was lying flat against the dampness of the pavement. His head was pounding and blood was slowly meandering down the middle of his face, where his nose had received a heavy kick from the side of a boot.  He tasted the saltiness of it as the blood found an opening at the side of his mouth and he coughed and spat out another tooth which had also become dislodged in the battering.

As he sat up, his head began to swim and even as he fought to remain conscious, his eyes desperately trying to focus on the graffiti on the building opposite, he felt his heart pounding and seconds later he fell back to the pavement again

The officer was flicking his pencil between his teeth as he stood at the desk, looking directly at Josh. The rap sheet remained unfilled as Josh had refused to acknowledge Detective Roundhay’s supposition that he had been party to the drug taking at Sandy’s earlier that day.

It would remain at stalemate until later when Josh’s father arrived with Sam Flint, the family lawyer, to sort it all out. For the moment, he had to sit it out.

‘Y’know’, the desk officer began, ‘You could make this very easy by just confirming what we all know already’.

For f****s sake, this was nothing to do with me. Sandy had been doing stuff I didn’t even know she had, that’s the reason she fell, I wasn’t even in the room!’ Josh was fighting back the panic. If he wasn’t careful, they could lay this whole rap on him. He sank back against the wall, shaking his head. He thought of the awful scene which had awaited him when he reached Sandy's flat earlier that afternoon. Her broken body lay at the foot of the staircase where she had fallen, her head at such an unnatural angle that he knew she was dead. He had immediately ran up to her flat, pushed open the unlocked door and rang the Police.

‘Son’ I’m here.’ The familiar sound of his fathers voice cut through the melancholia in which Josh was drowning and he lifted his head.

‘Dad, help me. It’s so not true, what they’re saying!’  Josh suddenly fell forward towards his father who had appeared with Sam Flint. ‘I am so sorry, I was just trying to help her…..’

There was a blue light which kept flickering over the graffiti. Josh could now see that it was a picture of a soldier with a gun, and the words  ‘La guerre est finie - les sortir!’ A  siren sounded loudly, too loudly, Josh rolled his head to the side to follow the noise.

 ‘Rester immobile.' An urgent voice came from the other side of his head. ’ Vous avez une blessure grave’  The paramedic turned and spoke to his partner, ‘rapidement à l'hôpital’

1 comment:

  1. This is very subtly done. You give us only a few clues to say we’re going to flashback.
    I think what I would do is to use ‘had’ in the first sentence to make it crystal clear that we were departing from Josh’s time zone. So instead of ‘The officer was flicking his pencil between his teeth’ – which could be taking place in Josh’s ‘pavement’ time zone – use ‘The officer had flicked his pencil between his teeth ‘. Then go on as you have it. It might be better to dramatize Josh’s refusal to cooperate, since your use of ‘had’ in this sentence takes you even further back in time, which is confusing. Keep to the simple past. So something like ‘Were you involved in the drug taking?’ the detective asked?’
    ‘No,’ Josh lied. Then carry on from there.
    Well done! Good strong plot developments.

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