Thursday, 4 November 2010

Margaret: Birthday Accident

Week 2 Birthday - Margaret

It was a cold, damp and foggy evening in November, the roads were icy. Jane trudged her way home along the dark and winding lane. “Strange” she thought as she turned the corner, and saw that the entire street was in darkness. She turned towards her house and could see no sign of any candles or lamps in the house which was very odd, as her mum was always well equipped for power cuts.

As Jane entered the house she saw a torch on the table and a note. The note said “Happy Birthday. Your tea is in the pub, as are we; they have a gas oven . Come and join us.”

A few minutes later Jane walked into the pub to find not only her mother and father but also many of her relatives, friends, colleagues and many of the locals all of whom were there a surprise party for her. They were soon joined by other local people who had come to get hot food.  After everyone had eaten they all went into the bar and sat around the log fire telling ghost stories.

After a while they heard the sound of a car roaring up the road, then braking suddenly. Several people said “I bet that’s Paul”, he was famous for his handbrake turns. However this time it was different, the noise of his car sliding across the car park continued. Those that new him expected Paul to walk in through the lounge bar; however instead of the sound of the door opening there was an almighty bang, followed by much clattering as bricks and glass flew around the lounge.

Naturally most people’s instinct was to run through to see if they could do anything to help, but the landlord would not let anyone into the lounge in case the wall or part of the ceiling fell in.

The landlord called for Mack, who was a fireman to come through and help get Paul out. This did not take very long as the car was an estate and the back was still outside so Paul climbed out of the rear door.

A few minutes later Paul came sauntered into the bar whistling, as though nothing had happened, and saying he was perfectly OK. Jane thought he doesn’t look too good, he was as white as a sheet and had ash all over his face. The ash was left over from the previous day’s fire, the bucket had been hit by a brick and had flown up sending ash everywhere.

Jane‘ s aunt Heather who was a nurse was there and insisted on checking him over. Once he had washed his face it became obvious that he had a cut above his eye. Mac and Heather drove him to hospital to get the cut cleaned and stitched and to check for signs of concussion.

The police came and insisted that we all evacuate the building. However the party continued at the big house about a quarter of a mile down the road and continued all night.

2 comments:

  1. This is a solidly written piece and I enjoyed it. It certainly has drama. How about trying to enliven it with some more telling descriptions though? For example 'he was as white as a sheet' - can you think of a more interesting way of saying this? Also be aware of comma splices. You have two in a row in 'Several people said “I bet that’s Paul”, he was famous for his handbrake turns. However this time it was different, the noise of his car sliding across the car park continued.'

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  2. This could possibly have the makings of a comedic episode. I think the story line would lend itself to your imagination. It could take you anywhere - How about some funny lines from Paul to enliven it? " Just gatecrashing the party as usual" for example. Also, when were the party goers removed from the lounge? That could have had some very funny elements, people falling over each other etc.

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